apple?

here's a lonely post years later.

i made a vow last time to be working on acting, and put my heart and all into it, as much as I could.

got some paid work, also getting to be on tv for a small gig. and what does this feel like?

i felt empty. it's not that i am not thankful and that the work has not reaped rewards and happiness for me, it's just that this chase that has happened for the past couple of years has been - well, just a chase. you get something, an experience, and then what?

i still love acting. but maybe 'acting' has changed from when i last looked at it from a wide eyed 19 year old wanting to do something different. most of what it has taught me is plain and simple human life, in macro. everything is heightened. how everyone is really the same and how no one is completely separate from the rest of everything.

how powerful communication is and how much work i need to put in. after so many years of being drilled "be open and curious", i can safely say that what has taught me to do this was actually not acting/drama, not theatre but buddhism. the tutors over the years have done their bit, and god help them for not giving up on me. i have learnt alot. being yelled at whenever i think too much does help break some bad habits.

but the thinker in me doesn't change despite years of subconsciously trying to be not a thinker. i don't really want to stop "thinking". but not until last retreat did i realise how i am so plagued by thinking. thinking is good, but not when they roll themselves with things not needing to be there and appear in my mind as a problem of epic proportions.

then as soon as i notice this happening, everything dissolves as if it wasn't there in the first place.

yesterday joyce asked me a question:

"if in your mind you create an apple, what is it suspended by?"