29.5.06
:)
i-a-m-g-o-i-n-g-t-o-V-A-R-E-K-A-I!!!!!!
kenny: hey can i give you your anniversary present a bit earlier this year?
abb: err....it's 4 months away...but ok...
kenny: well, i booked tickets to see varekaiiii. i wasn't going to tell you so soon but i didn't want you to go and buy the tickets...
abb: WOWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when are we going??
kenny: hope you wont mind seeing it after our anniversary coz there's no good seats left on our anniversary...
abb: WOWWWW!!!!!!!!!! (still not over it yet...)
you do realise this is a big deal? and there i thought i wasn't going to see no physical theatre for another few years... *UGGZ* to kenny for the...early/late anniversary present...i am so looking forward to september. last time we went to anything of this scale and size (except for sporting events) was...harry connick jr concert...it's certainly been a while, especially since we're tighter with the ch-ching issue with looming bills foreseen for eurotrip...
one thing is that i hate working part-time right now that i'm not doing any acting. i guess i have no regrets because plans don't always work out the way they are expected to. but not getting gigs this time round kinda made me feel like every gig from now, big or small is really something special. and more time to concentrate on getting my fitness back up. learning dancing and playing volleyball and going cycling aren't things that i would otherwise have time to do, and it's great that i can put some energy into it. dancing being a bonus since it's a transferrable skill.
lol...i read on the forum posts that the gig for narrabeen hasn't been cast yet still.
i'm so thankful i have such a great family/friend network or people i can count on. i was that depressed the other day, a downward spiral from the last few weeks of audition/rejection season. but catching up with my relos always does the trick. eating comfort food of lentil rice and a spinach fetta bake, russian borsch, then tong yuen, just being around family, around warm gas heated house listening to chinese classic songs could never be better. going bike riding with jub and chucky was really fulfilling. catching up with old friends like suey is so nice. hanging out with the usyd bunch for dinner mon nite and then coffee on thurs nite was wonderful too.
time. time is something i have alot of these days :D
26.5.06
phone is not my friend.
first of all, HAPPY B'DAY TO NI!
today is one of those days where you ponder if you should sit there waiting for a call, or throw the phone away so you are not allowed to be expecting calls from anybody, because your hope seems to cling on a little longer.
i may put my phone on silent just to avoid this conflict. and avoid the phone. "i did not hear it". and see what happens...but i'll be sad if the person i am hoping for a call from never calls back, or has found someone more willing.
i will be upset.
which brings me: would you rather them never calling you so you never have to know and slowly the whole thing drifts away from your memory, or would you prefer to be told "no" and to be allowed to let go of it?
i have a tendency to cling onto anything and not let go until i am told to. a bit like a pitbull (what an analogy). so criticisms, pointing out my faults, telling me i am wrong, goes deep into the bone at this current stage.
reminder: it's not about me.
had a weird dream.
a friend from primary school appeared and locked me in the bathroom and stabbed me through the arteries in my limbs. i cried and stood there, afraid of moving. she thought it was a fun game, and she ran a bath, and i undressed and stepped in. the bath went red. i close my eyes and waited to die.
i open my eyes. someone is moving me. the red water was gone, and someone kneeled behind me outside the bathtub, sponging me down, with fresh warm ankle-deep water. eyelids went heavy...
i open my eyes again to the bathtub fullof clear cool water. leaden, i drag myself out of the bathtub and put on a towel robe. i stopped bleeding. i walk to my dad's room, knock on the door.
everything around me was grey, and full of looming shadows - my old house.
i walk in and sit at the corner of the bed and asked why people do mean things to me, why i let bad things happen to me. i wanted answers, and he seemed to have them...
he is frail and sits up to explain to me that life is just a cycle, that life is just chains of interlocking cycles and this is the past, not present. he told me not to be scared of the girl because she will never come back again. my wounds started to bleed uncontrollably again.
he doesn't seem to realise what had just happened. i explain to him that they physically stabbed me, and i could be in real danger. i could die. he smiled and said nothing.
flashback: a frail figure entering the bathroom doorway and unplugs the tub of water.
i ask him if he was the one sponging me down and stop me from bleeding. he asks me to pass him a book, and shows me a map of places that do not exist...
i woke up. 3:30am. ken's bed. i woke up to my inner child weeping with blood-stained hands, hiding in a cave in the darkest areas of my mind. i didn't quite know why.
i used to go into dad's room when i was little, while he was napping and ask him for solutions to my problems. in early high school, i would write to him when he was overseas, and he would send cassette tapes back. but we stopped when i stopped talking to him.
sometimes i wonder how many times he had secretly come and saved me from my own demons and cushioned many falls through those times and i just never realised...
i feel like i'm in that dream again, bleeding, naive, helpless and frozen. overwhelmed. i don't know what to do. he's not here to save me anymore...
today is one of those days where you ponder if you should sit there waiting for a call, or throw the phone away so you are not allowed to be expecting calls from anybody, because your hope seems to cling on a little longer.
i may put my phone on silent just to avoid this conflict. and avoid the phone. "i did not hear it". and see what happens...but i'll be sad if the person i am hoping for a call from never calls back, or has found someone more willing.
i will be upset.
which brings me: would you rather them never calling you so you never have to know and slowly the whole thing drifts away from your memory, or would you prefer to be told "no" and to be allowed to let go of it?
i have a tendency to cling onto anything and not let go until i am told to. a bit like a pitbull (what an analogy). so criticisms, pointing out my faults, telling me i am wrong, goes deep into the bone at this current stage.
reminder: it's not about me.
had a weird dream.
a friend from primary school appeared and locked me in the bathroom and stabbed me through the arteries in my limbs. i cried and stood there, afraid of moving. she thought it was a fun game, and she ran a bath, and i undressed and stepped in. the bath went red. i close my eyes and waited to die.
i open my eyes. someone is moving me. the red water was gone, and someone kneeled behind me outside the bathtub, sponging me down, with fresh warm ankle-deep water. eyelids went heavy...
i open my eyes again to the bathtub fullof clear cool water. leaden, i drag myself out of the bathtub and put on a towel robe. i stopped bleeding. i walk to my dad's room, knock on the door.
everything around me was grey, and full of looming shadows - my old house.
i walk in and sit at the corner of the bed and asked why people do mean things to me, why i let bad things happen to me. i wanted answers, and he seemed to have them...
he is frail and sits up to explain to me that life is just a cycle, that life is just chains of interlocking cycles and this is the past, not present. he told me not to be scared of the girl because she will never come back again. my wounds started to bleed uncontrollably again.
he doesn't seem to realise what had just happened. i explain to him that they physically stabbed me, and i could be in real danger. i could die. he smiled and said nothing.
flashback: a frail figure entering the bathroom doorway and unplugs the tub of water.
i ask him if he was the one sponging me down and stop me from bleeding. he asks me to pass him a book, and shows me a map of places that do not exist...
i woke up. 3:30am. ken's bed. i woke up to my inner child weeping with blood-stained hands, hiding in a cave in the darkest areas of my mind. i didn't quite know why.
i used to go into dad's room when i was little, while he was napping and ask him for solutions to my problems. in early high school, i would write to him when he was overseas, and he would send cassette tapes back. but we stopped when i stopped talking to him.
sometimes i wonder how many times he had secretly come and saved me from my own demons and cushioned many falls through those times and i just never realised...
i feel like i'm in that dream again, bleeding, naive, helpless and frozen. overwhelmed. i don't know what to do. he's not here to save me anymore...
25.5.06
i was going to write up a post detailing why i am about to do this, but i thought it dont matter to no one anyway.
so...
so...
*SCREAM*
22.5.06
turkey...
realising i've become too laxed about my smoking, i really need to stop. it's starting to feel like a habit and i'm starting to feel fidgety when i smell it. BAAAAAAD. who woulda thought smoking 6 in one night a few weeks ago would unlock that part of my brain that goes "aaah, addictive substances" and make me want to smoke everytime i'm out of the office block and in social settings??
and suddenly i'm meeting more and more smokers again to smoke with, and fall into the whole social trap. must be strong and not smoke. i've left it to be ok only in heavy drinking /very old friends situations, but lately i hadn't stuck to my guns and i'm pretty ashamed about it. i shouldn't be doing this to myself and i can do much better than that.
promise to self: i'm cold turkey-ing again to get this shit out of my system. smoking=bad. no smoking at all. i need a bit of control and i'm letting it go too much. not good...guys, don't let me smoke...
and suddenly i'm meeting more and more smokers again to smoke with, and fall into the whole social trap. must be strong and not smoke. i've left it to be ok only in heavy drinking /very old friends situations, but lately i hadn't stuck to my guns and i'm pretty ashamed about it. i shouldn't be doing this to myself and i can do much better than that.
promise to self: i'm cold turkey-ing again to get this shit out of my system. smoking=bad. no smoking at all. i need a bit of control and i'm letting it go too much. not good...guys, don't let me smoke...
21.5.06
had a busy fulfilling weekend...
kicked off with friday arvo drinks w/ hoi (choy)...after work drinks with the girls at work...dinner and crepes with kenny's colleagues...started chatting to one of the colleagues, coco, found out why she looked so familiar. she used to work at marcello. cool chick, saved me from potential awkwardness of strange comments that i don't know how to react to...felt the world shrink a little more...
couldn't get the thought of one particular person out of my mind. realised that i am so far yet so close to remaining as the person i was a few years back, liking people who are simply not worth my minutes of the day.
saturday, dance class at west ryde. felt a little closer to human beings. i like physical contact. it's been a while since i hugged my friends.
watched da vinci code. not giving a review. i liked it. go watch the thing. jub messaged me for a bike ride next week...eric sent me a blank sms.
sunday went bike riding at homebush on a last minute whim. kenny's bike tyres were slowly deflating and we called it a day early and browsed ikea. bought boxes that i was meaning to purchase for sometime. whilst driving home, i had that feeling that i needed to contact suey. i miss her being around every now and then. i wish sometimes we were closer friends so we don't have to end up losing contact so much. maybe we'll find time to catch up soon.
came home, packed necessary things into the new boxes. stared at a 2 inch stack of photos featuring my ex and me. i threw them into the bin along with a bluebear he gave me that i chucked somewhere out of sight for a very long time, probably hoping that one day i might actually hold fond memories of those times back then. that time never came.
stared at an equal thickness stack of notes from everyone who wrote me in high school in class...mainly ones from anita. for a while i hesitated. but i threw them out too. weren't exactly memories i preferred to keep. there's no reason to really keep them. generally i remember what they were about anyway. what a shame that we are no longer friends and can look back and think how silly we were back then. what a shame that she said "we won't drift apart" and we watched it all unfold. guess we weren't supposed to be best friends, or whatever that means afterall.
come home and stare at the stack of msn messages from people because i accidentally left myself online again. feel guilty that i can't answer them because they're now offline. oh well, catch up soon i hope :D
i'm usually not one to throw things out. but today, i felt good. it felt good to let them go. everything, through time, becomes nothing.
kicked off with friday arvo drinks w/ hoi (choy)...after work drinks with the girls at work...dinner and crepes with kenny's colleagues...started chatting to one of the colleagues, coco, found out why she looked so familiar. she used to work at marcello. cool chick, saved me from potential awkwardness of strange comments that i don't know how to react to...felt the world shrink a little more...
couldn't get the thought of one particular person out of my mind. realised that i am so far yet so close to remaining as the person i was a few years back, liking people who are simply not worth my minutes of the day.
saturday, dance class at west ryde. felt a little closer to human beings. i like physical contact. it's been a while since i hugged my friends.
watched da vinci code. not giving a review. i liked it. go watch the thing. jub messaged me for a bike ride next week...eric sent me a blank sms.
sunday went bike riding at homebush on a last minute whim. kenny's bike tyres were slowly deflating and we called it a day early and browsed ikea. bought boxes that i was meaning to purchase for sometime. whilst driving home, i had that feeling that i needed to contact suey. i miss her being around every now and then. i wish sometimes we were closer friends so we don't have to end up losing contact so much. maybe we'll find time to catch up soon.
came home, packed necessary things into the new boxes. stared at a 2 inch stack of photos featuring my ex and me. i threw them into the bin along with a bluebear he gave me that i chucked somewhere out of sight for a very long time, probably hoping that one day i might actually hold fond memories of those times back then. that time never came.
stared at an equal thickness stack of notes from everyone who wrote me in high school in class...mainly ones from anita. for a while i hesitated. but i threw them out too. weren't exactly memories i preferred to keep. there's no reason to really keep them. generally i remember what they were about anyway. what a shame that we are no longer friends and can look back and think how silly we were back then. what a shame that she said "we won't drift apart" and we watched it all unfold. guess we weren't supposed to be best friends, or whatever that means afterall.
come home and stare at the stack of msn messages from people because i accidentally left myself online again. feel guilty that i can't answer them because they're now offline. oh well, catch up soon i hope :D
i'm usually not one to throw things out. but today, i felt good. it felt good to let them go. everything, through time, becomes nothing.
15.5.06
note to self: never join a gym, especially not THIS ONE.
why in the world must one book an appointment with a manager of the club upon u wanting to cancel ur membership?? at a time only convenient to THEM, not you. it's stupid and time wasting. so after not really ever going to gym, i quit, and paid them an extra 200 bucks. how am i going for cashflow?
ok, membership thing is partly my fault so no qualms about the money coz i was stupid to sign a contract. but their PROCESSES!
thankgod there's so much more fun stuff to commit urself to than the gym. i can't believe the "manager" asked me if i wouldn't mind some free personal trainer sessions. i told him already, i wanted to quit because i just plainly didn't enjoy myself at the gym! here's the feedback questions he asked me:
don't make people ask stupid questions! don't make me take time out from my life at YOUR convenience, waste 20 min of my time giving out client feedback that you ought to really be paying for if you're charging me to quit! i should go "no, i'm not filling out or answering any questions until you pay me for my time wasted sitting here listening to your marketing and super guilt-tripping questions (do they work on anybody?) when i really didn't need it."
though on the line where they said "points to improve" i wrote: your cancellation procedure
(i couldn't resist ;D herein lies an abbey moment)
i hope lots of people leave because their cancellation process is a JOKE. how is it that i can quit my JOB, leave my partner, sign a major contract, all using less of MY time than i did to quit a goddamn gym!!! now how is that for a joke?
not a happy chappy. the receptionist made it sound like the managers were booked out with appointments because so many people were leaving the gym. let's hope it keeps going baaaad and they don't last.
why in the world must one book an appointment with a manager of the club upon u wanting to cancel ur membership?? at a time only convenient to THEM, not you. it's stupid and time wasting. so after not really ever going to gym, i quit, and paid them an extra 200 bucks. how am i going for cashflow?
ok, membership thing is partly my fault so no qualms about the money coz i was stupid to sign a contract. but their PROCESSES!
thankgod there's so much more fun stuff to commit urself to than the gym. i can't believe the "manager" asked me if i wouldn't mind some free personal trainer sessions. i told him already, i wanted to quit because i just plainly didn't enjoy myself at the gym! here's the feedback questions he asked me:
- is it because i'm "not motivated to be healthy" - reads: you are lazy and you should feel guilty if you quit.
- what were your goals for coming to the gym? did you commit to your goals? - reads: you are too weak and less of a human to "commit your time"
- is it because you weren't sure what you were doing - reads: you were too stupid to look for help or buy personal trainer hours
- have you ever tried to motivate yourself and get a friend to come with you? - reads: do you need someone to hold your hand at the gym? are you too weak to do things on your own? can you at least give us extra business if you hated us?
don't make people ask stupid questions! don't make me take time out from my life at YOUR convenience, waste 20 min of my time giving out client feedback that you ought to really be paying for if you're charging me to quit! i should go "no, i'm not filling out or answering any questions until you pay me for my time wasted sitting here listening to your marketing and super guilt-tripping questions (do they work on anybody?) when i really didn't need it."
though on the line where they said "points to improve" i wrote: your cancellation procedure
(i couldn't resist ;D herein lies an abbey moment)
i hope lots of people leave because their cancellation process is a JOKE. how is it that i can quit my JOB, leave my partner, sign a major contract, all using less of MY time than i did to quit a goddamn gym!!! now how is that for a joke?
not a happy chappy. the receptionist made it sound like the managers were booked out with appointments because so many people were leaving the gym. let's hope it keeps going baaaad and they don't last.
12.5.06
bee-sickles
heh...don't think i made a post, but last weekend, i bought my first item off ebay :) quite a fun experience. i practically missed the whole thing!
anyway, as i asked the concierge at the apartment to help me carry the box upstairs, i stared at the box in anticipation...
anyway, i knew approximately where this baby would come from (some developing nation who sold it for $10aud and sold it to me for a fair bit more) but as i looked closely at the packaging, it became apparent...it was really a cute cheap and FOB! my perfect mail order bride (err)
for those people who have vision impairment or just find this screen plain difficult to read, let me just type out what tools the box said are required for assembling of this new, racy being.
at the end of the assembly session on my balcony, my new fob baby was in full operation with a flat tyre. all i need to do now is to wheel/drive it to shell and pump it up. oh...and it came with 2 seats, but no bikestands...how weird is that?
it was also realised that the following tools were used to make the actual assembly. who knows what the other half a dozen bits were for...?
anyway, as i asked the concierge at the apartment to help me carry the box upstairs, i stared at the box in anticipation...
anyway, i knew approximately where this baby would come from (some developing nation who sold it for $10aud and sold it to me for a fair bit more) but as i looked closely at the packaging, it became apparent...it was really a cute cheap and FOB! my perfect mail order bride (err)
for those people who have vision impairment or just find this screen plain difficult to read, let me just type out what tools the box said are required for assembling of this new, racy being.
- STANDARD SLIP JOINT PLIER5
- STANDARD 175MM FLATHEAD SCREWORIVER
- STANDARD PHILLIPS HEAD SCREWORIVER
- AIR PUMP (FOOT OR HAND) FOR TYRE INFLATION
- OPEN ENDED SET OF WRENCHES
- HAVING METRIC MEASUREMENTS FROM 7MM TO
- 7MM OR AN AOJUST ABLE WREHCH MAY BE USED
- 5MM PEDAL WRENCH
at the end of the assembly session on my balcony, my new fob baby was in full operation with a flat tyre. all i need to do now is to wheel/drive it to shell and pump it up. oh...and it came with 2 seats, but no bikestands...how weird is that?
it was also realised that the following tools were used to make the actual assembly. who knows what the other half a dozen bits were for...?
- a wrench
- an allen's key
8.5.06
29/4 - The Drive: rejected (racial issue)
2/5 - Speaking in Tongues: rejected (apparently age issue)
4/5 - Empty Case (film): forfeited - no transport
4/5 - Up for Grabs: auditioned but no reply...
7/5 - Open Play reading: was AWESOME
8/5 - Chilling and Killing My Annabel Lee: screwed up big time
10/5 - Show a New Deal: told to come with open mind
16or19/5 - The Golden Age: was told okay to apply..will apply tomolo
had the pleasure of reading someone's work in progress yesterday. newtown theatre was hosting a series of workshops for interested playwrights, writing for 10minute plays. then us actors put our hand up to volunteer to read for them...and yesterday at 10am, we went in to be casted.
when i met the playwright, i had a good feeling about the play. i had a tiny role, but the story itself was lovely. and simple. and executable. and i thought "man, it'd be interesting to see the other plays, if this one is that good"...and was a little upset i didn't get a bigger part of some story. but life goes on. it's an acting exercise day anyway, and egos don't come into play.
so after half waiting around, half reading and giving feedback and receiving directions, it was 5:30pm and we were called back to do our reading in front of audience as part of the playwright's self-assessments. the night finished at 9pm.
after watching 10x10min performances (some of which were more like half hour horrors), i began to appreciate playwrighting - some made literally every mistake a playwright could make (too confusing, too hard to execute for actors on a bare stage, too much content for 10 minutes). i realised i had been chosen for one of the best plays of the course of playwrights and had an awesome experience. small role, but a damn nice story.
yesterday's session was about the playwrights getting actor/audience feedback rather than about the actors' work itself, but i can't help but be thankful i wasn't worked to death like some others, and had an excellent playwright who was open and easy to work with, a beautiful, engaging story to be part of...honestly, what more could you ask for?
i hope the playwright goes onto make some edits, and enter this baby into the competitions...
2/5 - Speaking in Tongues: rejected (apparently age issue)
4/5 - Empty Case (film): forfeited - no transport
4/5 - Up for Grabs: auditioned but no reply...
7/5 - Open Play reading: was AWESOME
8/5 - Chilling and Killing My Annabel Lee: screwed up big time
10/5 - Show a New Deal: told to come with open mind
16or19/5 - The Golden Age: was told okay to apply..will apply tomolo
had the pleasure of reading someone's work in progress yesterday. newtown theatre was hosting a series of workshops for interested playwrights, writing for 10minute plays. then us actors put our hand up to volunteer to read for them...and yesterday at 10am, we went in to be casted.
when i met the playwright, i had a good feeling about the play. i had a tiny role, but the story itself was lovely. and simple. and executable. and i thought "man, it'd be interesting to see the other plays, if this one is that good"...and was a little upset i didn't get a bigger part of some story. but life goes on. it's an acting exercise day anyway, and egos don't come into play.
so after half waiting around, half reading and giving feedback and receiving directions, it was 5:30pm and we were called back to do our reading in front of audience as part of the playwright's self-assessments. the night finished at 9pm.
after watching 10x10min performances (some of which were more like half hour horrors), i began to appreciate playwrighting - some made literally every mistake a playwright could make (too confusing, too hard to execute for actors on a bare stage, too much content for 10 minutes). i realised i had been chosen for one of the best plays of the course of playwrights and had an awesome experience. small role, but a damn nice story.
yesterday's session was about the playwrights getting actor/audience feedback rather than about the actors' work itself, but i can't help but be thankful i wasn't worked to death like some others, and had an excellent playwright who was open and easy to work with, a beautiful, engaging story to be part of...honestly, what more could you ask for?
i hope the playwright goes onto make some edits, and enter this baby into the competitions...
3.5.06
...to do list
having just taken up volleyball, i've had to give it up all too quickly. for now...
i dream alot. i lose sleep. i smoke. i punch my bed. i light matches and watch them burn to black coal. i pick fights. i sometimes feel like crying for no reason. i cook like there's no tomorrow. my neighbours think i'm crazy from chanting lines out loud. i want to scream but i can't.
my happiness for the next few months seem to hang onto the decisions of other in the next couple of weeks...
no, no good news...but here's a breakdown:
29/4 - The Drive: rejected (racial issue)
2/5 - Speaking in Tongues: rejected (apparently age issue)
4/5 - Up for Grabs: preparing
4/5 - Empty Case (film): preparing
7/5 - Open Play reading: accepted, because there was no audition, and it was OPEN...
8/5 - Chilling and Killing My Annabel Lee: prepared - same piece as 2/5
10/5 - Show a New Deal: told to come with open mind
16or19/5 - The Golden Age: searching for appropriate piece before applying
~~acting is eeeeeasy!~~
being rejected no longer hurts as much as it once did. i thank whoever for this blessing. because at least this time around they are at least willing to see me before deciding...
but still, where is the love?
plod along, little one...don't give up....
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i dream alot. i lose sleep. i smoke. i punch my bed. i light matches and watch them burn to black coal. i pick fights. i sometimes feel like crying for no reason. i cook like there's no tomorrow. my neighbours think i'm crazy from chanting lines out loud. i want to scream but i can't.
my happiness for the next few months seem to hang onto the decisions of other in the next couple of weeks...
no, no good news...but here's a breakdown:
29/4 - The Drive: rejected (racial issue)
2/5 - Speaking in Tongues: rejected (apparently age issue)
4/5 - Up for Grabs: preparing
4/5 - Empty Case (film): preparing
7/5 - Open Play reading: accepted, because there was no audition, and it was OPEN...
8/5 - Chilling and Killing My Annabel Lee: prepared - same piece as 2/5
10/5 - Show a New Deal: told to come with open mind
16or19/5 - The Golden Age: searching for appropriate piece before applying
~~acting is eeeeeasy!~~
being rejected no longer hurts as much as it once did. i thank whoever for this blessing. because at least this time around they are at least willing to see me before deciding...
but still, where is the love?
plod along, little one...don't give up....