31.12.06
year is almost over, in less than 5 hours. wonder why we humans have a way of making a big deal out of just another day? why do we go "hey we should think about where our lives are at during this period of time, and think about what we want for next year, what we hope and dream to achieve?"
the truth is, we probably do it all the time, and the thinking never really ceases. it just so happens that our society puts so much emphasis on such a date that we almost feel obliged to think about stuff, about mortality. or about becoming invincible...haha
it's also a great excuse to roll this whole big ball of thought down the hill...a bit like rolling those cylindrical haystacks down freshly cut wheat fields. what a moment of release - i have thought bout it...i'd work on the farm, then harvest the hay, bundle it up...and roll it down the freaking hill for the hell of it! or i could just jump the barbed wire fence to do so whilst driving past a farming area. simple pleasures...i keep just thinking about it...
amongst all the muddled brain etcetera, this year has been good. wonder if everyone thinks this way. try to look at even bad things in positive, afterglow light. it's a nice perspective to have sometimes.
do i wish some things were different? yeap. definitely. there are eternal puzzles of things through this year and previous years that i keep coming back and thinking about, with no real need to solve the issue other than for - well, the hell of it, because it's so long ago it's probably not worth killing braincells over. my brutal honesty seems to be a recurring theme.
i sometimes also just sit on the fence too much.
i am afraid of rejection. when you're in a relationship, rejection is something you don't usually think much about, mainly because even if the whole world is against you, there is someone on your side cheering you on. and rejection doesn't hurt much when you don't expect anything from other people because someone else's got your back. it's a lovely thing, relationships. it makes me sometimes too dependent on others. this i would like to change.
i've always been a person with a heart of a very naive kid with the brain of a hundred year old, and both usually never agree. i want balance. i want to do this one thing i've never ever had to do. everyone provides for you when you're the youngest. people think you must be the most independent as a person to be such a risk taker in life. but you know deep inside that you are only able to take the chances you do because someone's gonna save you if you screw up as a younger kid. what a confident and bold fascade. it is a fantasy. i am not as unafraid as one thinks. i just know, and have not had issues with, being provided for.
i hope to be in the position to be able to provide for people other than myself.
happy new year to all!
the truth is, we probably do it all the time, and the thinking never really ceases. it just so happens that our society puts so much emphasis on such a date that we almost feel obliged to think about stuff, about mortality. or about becoming invincible...haha
it's also a great excuse to roll this whole big ball of thought down the hill...a bit like rolling those cylindrical haystacks down freshly cut wheat fields. what a moment of release - i have thought bout it...i'd work on the farm, then harvest the hay, bundle it up...and roll it down the freaking hill for the hell of it! or i could just jump the barbed wire fence to do so whilst driving past a farming area. simple pleasures...i keep just thinking about it...
amongst all the muddled brain etcetera, this year has been good. wonder if everyone thinks this way. try to look at even bad things in positive, afterglow light. it's a nice perspective to have sometimes.
do i wish some things were different? yeap. definitely. there are eternal puzzles of things through this year and previous years that i keep coming back and thinking about, with no real need to solve the issue other than for - well, the hell of it, because it's so long ago it's probably not worth killing braincells over. my brutal honesty seems to be a recurring theme.
i sometimes also just sit on the fence too much.
i am afraid of rejection. when you're in a relationship, rejection is something you don't usually think much about, mainly because even if the whole world is against you, there is someone on your side cheering you on. and rejection doesn't hurt much when you don't expect anything from other people because someone else's got your back. it's a lovely thing, relationships. it makes me sometimes too dependent on others. this i would like to change.
i've always been a person with a heart of a very naive kid with the brain of a hundred year old, and both usually never agree. i want balance. i want to do this one thing i've never ever had to do. everyone provides for you when you're the youngest. people think you must be the most independent as a person to be such a risk taker in life. but you know deep inside that you are only able to take the chances you do because someone's gonna save you if you screw up as a younger kid. what a confident and bold fascade. it is a fantasy. i am not as unafraid as one thinks. i just know, and have not had issues with, being provided for.
i hope to be in the position to be able to provide for people other than myself.
happy new year to all!
29.12.06
dreaming
my brain has been bewitched, bothered and bewildered by scenarios playing up in my most vulnerable hours. nonsensical dreams laced with signs that i can't seem to piece together when usually i am quite in touch with subconscious texts...
i dreamt that i was in a prison, it is dark. it has an open exercise area and all the prisoners are in the open area. one by one the people are being killed. i want to escape. no one knows who the killer is, and slowly distrust grows in the prison and everyone tries to kill everyone. i am no different. i become a person running and escaping, but i am also chasing my escaping self.
cut to:
i am in a hospital with narrow, yellow tinged flourescent lighting and curtains partitioning the "rooms". for some unknown reason a killer is chasing me. it keeps morphing into people that i bump into. i want to avoid everyone and i am scared. i jump flights of stairs, hide, and run outside to a strangely familiar place (one that i had been to in a dream 3-4 years ago) to an empty high school grounds, before returning to the hospital. i wake up realising that i am the killer chasing me because half the time i was the chaser, but i am without intent...i just needed to get to that person and she's running away.
cut to:
a beautiful, wooden house on stilts. it is raining heavily outside and i am amongst a lush bamboo forest. there is a flood outside and i wonder how long it will keep raining, and whether or not the house will survive the continual flood. i am with family, friends and a dog. it is a peaceful rain despite news that the flood has devastated lots of places.
Chased: Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser.
Killer:To see a killer in your dream, suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something.
Rain:To dream that you get wet from the rain, signifies that you will soon be cleansed from your troubles and problems. Rain also symbolizes fertility and renewal.
Floods: are caused by heavy rain and the melting of snow. Water in any form, including rain and snow, symbolizes emotions. Dreaming about being in a flood is an indication that the dreamer is currently experiencing powerful emotions that may be overwhelming. The flood in your dream could represent a very powerful, or even violent, emotionally cleansing experience. But don't worry, just like in an actual flood, waters reside and so do emotions. Water at times represents the flow of life and this dream may point to your feelings of being overwhelmed by it.
Dog: To see a dog in your dream, indicate a skill that you have ignored or forgotten, but needs to be activated. Alternatively, dogs may symbolize intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. Your own values and intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and succeed.
hmmm...food for thought...
i dreamt that i was in a prison, it is dark. it has an open exercise area and all the prisoners are in the open area. one by one the people are being killed. i want to escape. no one knows who the killer is, and slowly distrust grows in the prison and everyone tries to kill everyone. i am no different. i become a person running and escaping, but i am also chasing my escaping self.
cut to:
i am in a hospital with narrow, yellow tinged flourescent lighting and curtains partitioning the "rooms". for some unknown reason a killer is chasing me. it keeps morphing into people that i bump into. i want to avoid everyone and i am scared. i jump flights of stairs, hide, and run outside to a strangely familiar place (one that i had been to in a dream 3-4 years ago) to an empty high school grounds, before returning to the hospital. i wake up realising that i am the killer chasing me because half the time i was the chaser, but i am without intent...i just needed to get to that person and she's running away.
cut to:
a beautiful, wooden house on stilts. it is raining heavily outside and i am amongst a lush bamboo forest. there is a flood outside and i wonder how long it will keep raining, and whether or not the house will survive the continual flood. i am with family, friends and a dog. it is a peaceful rain despite news that the flood has devastated lots of places.
Chased: Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser.
Killer:To see a killer in your dream, suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something.
Rain:To dream that you get wet from the rain, signifies that you will soon be cleansed from your troubles and problems. Rain also symbolizes fertility and renewal.
To see and hear rain falling, symbolizes forgiveness and grace.
To dream that you are watching the rain from a window, indicates that spiritual ideas and insights are being brought to you awareness. It may also symbolize fortune and love.
To hear the tapping of the rain on the roof, denotes spiritual ideas and blessings coming to mind. It may also suggests that you will receive much joy from your home life.
Floods: are caused by heavy rain and the melting of snow. Water in any form, including rain and snow, symbolizes emotions. Dreaming about being in a flood is an indication that the dreamer is currently experiencing powerful emotions that may be overwhelming. The flood in your dream could represent a very powerful, or even violent, emotionally cleansing experience. But don't worry, just like in an actual flood, waters reside and so do emotions. Water at times represents the flow of life and this dream may point to your feelings of being overwhelmed by it.
Dog: To see a dog in your dream, indicate a skill that you have ignored or forgotten, but needs to be activated. Alternatively, dogs may symbolize intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. Your own values and intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and succeed.
hmmm...food for thought...
19.12.06
thoughts:
- contemplating new career/life direction
- interviewed job, invited to do final rounds this thursday
- accepted a charity gig which, should all things run smoothly in life, will land yours truly a week's run of a play at sydney theatre
- started singing classes, but don't know how long it will go on for, depending on getting job
- booked photo session with a headshot photographer for new year
- registered in awardschool, awaiting test brief to be released in mid-jan 07
- about to head south to barossa and perhaps cooper pedy for x'mas
- listening to "stars" by simply red
- still reading bill bryson's "walkabout"
- keep dreaming that serial killers are running thru dirty hospital corridors to kill me but then they lose me and i'm left hiding - not a fun dream
14.12.06
quay
was sick.. had been for the past week..almost 2 now.
woke up early today and had a bit of a walk around circular quay before going to work. sat there, beautiful blue sky with white cotton candy you could almost reach out and grab a handful...report back about the book i've been reading - bill bryson's "walkabout". today was the first time i looked at circular quay in the eyes of a potential tourist. there's mild human traffic along the quay, and lightly speckled with backpackers. if today was the first day i dropped into sydney harbour in my life as a tourist, open-minded and ready, eager, desperate to receive, and i happened to have saw the morning for all loveliness there was, i would have fallen in love with sydney and wished i'd never left. i would have festered in jealousy that the locals of this beautiful place seem to take it all for granted (it was, after all, only 9am, and there weren't nearly as many people as normal). i would probably want to have my ashes scattered somewhere conveniently close so as to look over this place in afterlife or something.
but i am not a tourist. and i have always taken the quay for granted, used it as a burial place of memories...it's almost too cliche to mention that the quay was where i had my first love took me for my sweet 16. it seems embarassingly long ago. ironically it was also one of the first places this volatile spirited school girl would run to when she was unhappy, missing out on school and other experiences which could have made her a much happier teenager. that, and the memory of one particular boy with beautiful facial features (unfortunately masking a weak, leeching, pathetic heart which i got to understand more about in later years) whom i kissed for the last time on the grass area and never saw again. at the time i wished for more, but in hindsight, i really just dodged a missile, thanks to his momentary lapse of truthful blurting, i got to understand how i let myself be so shamelessly manipulated.
i wonder about all these places being weighted down by the inevitable memories created by people and their interactions with them.
i am in a perpetual cloud of brain fog and cannot think work, think straight for the life of me. i don't want to be doing anything other than performing. maybe that's why i'm still blogging at work!
anyway, back to work...
woke up early today and had a bit of a walk around circular quay before going to work. sat there, beautiful blue sky with white cotton candy you could almost reach out and grab a handful...report back about the book i've been reading - bill bryson's "walkabout". today was the first time i looked at circular quay in the eyes of a potential tourist. there's mild human traffic along the quay, and lightly speckled with backpackers. if today was the first day i dropped into sydney harbour in my life as a tourist, open-minded and ready, eager, desperate to receive, and i happened to have saw the morning for all loveliness there was, i would have fallen in love with sydney and wished i'd never left. i would have festered in jealousy that the locals of this beautiful place seem to take it all for granted (it was, after all, only 9am, and there weren't nearly as many people as normal). i would probably want to have my ashes scattered somewhere conveniently close so as to look over this place in afterlife or something.
but i am not a tourist. and i have always taken the quay for granted, used it as a burial place of memories...it's almost too cliche to mention that the quay was where i had my first love took me for my sweet 16. it seems embarassingly long ago. ironically it was also one of the first places this volatile spirited school girl would run to when she was unhappy, missing out on school and other experiences which could have made her a much happier teenager. that, and the memory of one particular boy with beautiful facial features (unfortunately masking a weak, leeching, pathetic heart which i got to understand more about in later years) whom i kissed for the last time on the grass area and never saw again. at the time i wished for more, but in hindsight, i really just dodged a missile, thanks to his momentary lapse of truthful blurting, i got to understand how i let myself be so shamelessly manipulated.
i wonder about all these places being weighted down by the inevitable memories created by people and their interactions with them.
i am in a perpetual cloud of brain fog and cannot think work, think straight for the life of me. i don't want to be doing anything other than performing. maybe that's why i'm still blogging at work!
anyway, back to work...
11.12.06
in deep meditation, he pounded away the same way a blacksmith would shape metal. the harder he punched the calmer he felt, torn flesh revealing bare, chipped knucklebones. constant pain was the only assurance that he was still alive. relief. the face of the enemy now no more than a pathetic pink mess. he had suffered too long to not savour such peace of mind. no more taunts, threats, mind fuck - he will be free. he would be happy.
8.12.06
in a short space of half hour, my First Love was gone..
this is depressing.
4:38pm - received an email alert from Sydney Festival about a play.
a very interesting play. by Samuel Beckett. i read on. i clicked the link.
the banner displayed for the website shows a familiar face. the star of Samuel Beckett's "First Love", a world premiere. the face was that of ralph fiennes. my heart skipped a beat. i could see him in a live performance...i had to act fast.
4:43pm - messaged a couple of people, mulled over who might want to come see such a fine performance with me...ian and i mulled over it. the excitement was overwhelming...
4:50pm - half the season has been sold out already when i got online to book, and each time i refreshed, my tickets went to someone else
5:00pm - 2 shows left...limited seats...i caved and tried to book 2 seats. an error message popped up in contempt that i was not fast enough. "limited seats only"
5:05pm - "single seats only" yet i could not buy it...frustration...i call ticketek line just in case...
5:10pm - i got through, and the ticketing officer checked. one spot. i jumped. i lost, to someone with a faster click of a mouse than my ticketing officer. last ticket gone.
5:15pm - i am devestated.
i was reassured they may release more tickets in due course, but oh so empty...i may not get to see him in a live performance afterall...
*sigh*
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4:38pm - received an email alert from Sydney Festival about a play.
a very interesting play. by Samuel Beckett. i read on. i clicked the link.
the banner displayed for the website shows a familiar face. the star of Samuel Beckett's "First Love", a world premiere. the face was that of ralph fiennes. my heart skipped a beat. i could see him in a live performance...i had to act fast.
4:43pm - messaged a couple of people, mulled over who might want to come see such a fine performance with me...ian and i mulled over it. the excitement was overwhelming...
4:50pm - half the season has been sold out already when i got online to book, and each time i refreshed, my tickets went to someone else
5:00pm - 2 shows left...limited seats...i caved and tried to book 2 seats. an error message popped up in contempt that i was not fast enough. "limited seats only"
5:05pm - "single seats only" yet i could not buy it...frustration...i call ticketek line just in case...
5:10pm - i got through, and the ticketing officer checked. one spot. i jumped. i lost, to someone with a faster click of a mouse than my ticketing officer. last ticket gone.
5:15pm - i am devestated.
i was reassured they may release more tickets in due course, but oh so empty...i may not get to see him in a live performance afterall...
*sigh*