3.9.06
scales
mind is racing around tied to a rope inside my head.
for a while my heart has been so still, so tranquil - following the ebb and flow of life, with the usual ups and downs - hum drum of normal life of normal people. going out on weekend, pubbing with colleagues, coffee with mates. working, eating, sleeping. so fucking boring.
my heart cried out and i complained not too long ago that my inner child has gone, or someone had stolen my dreams. how easy and empty my head had been. i wanted a bit of chaos back. just a bit. I conjured her to wake up. i could not complete one A5 page of small font of thoughts of any kind when i used to write 7 pages a day. everything was so damn thought out.
this part of my mind is now racing around and i am finding it so hard to keep it in check. gloria told me to lock it up again. she's playing games with you, control her with your overpowering mind. something that took me so long to undo, and the right people in my life to help me get by. i don't think i want to start denying again.
this time i ignored her for too long. the trouble maker i kept inside my mind is out again, luring me to do things that i don't like to entertain, tempting me with impossibilities...
"what if we do this? come on, it'd be SO exciting. and you know how not to get caught..."
"why don't we try that?"
"why are we doing that again?"
"why are you being so boring?"
i have to deal with it. because she is not a demon. she is me. and i don't want to lock her up anymore. i want her to be making choices with me, not merely me telling her to go away and ignoring her for long periods only to be yearning for her to help me see the light.
now i know what i have to do.
i just have to learn to balance.
A good enough balance has to be one of the hardest things to master.
& just when I think I've finally got it right, something tips it all over =\
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for a while my heart has been so still, so tranquil - following the ebb and flow of life, with the usual ups and downs - hum drum of normal life of normal people. going out on weekend, pubbing with colleagues, coffee with mates. working, eating, sleeping. so fucking boring.
my heart cried out and i complained not too long ago that my inner child has gone, or someone had stolen my dreams. how easy and empty my head had been. i wanted a bit of chaos back. just a bit. I conjured her to wake up. i could not complete one A5 page of small font of thoughts of any kind when i used to write 7 pages a day. everything was so damn thought out.
this part of my mind is now racing around and i am finding it so hard to keep it in check. gloria told me to lock it up again. she's playing games with you, control her with your overpowering mind. something that took me so long to undo, and the right people in my life to help me get by. i don't think i want to start denying again.
this time i ignored her for too long. the trouble maker i kept inside my mind is out again, luring me to do things that i don't like to entertain, tempting me with impossibilities...
"what if we do this? come on, it'd be SO exciting. and you know how not to get caught..."
"why don't we try that?"
"why are we doing that again?"
"why are you being so boring?"
i have to deal with it. because she is not a demon. she is me. and i don't want to lock her up anymore. i want her to be making choices with me, not merely me telling her to go away and ignoring her for long periods only to be yearning for her to help me see the light.
now i know what i have to do.
i just have to learn to balance.
A good enough balance has to be one of the hardest things to master.
& just when I think I've finally got it right, something tips it all over =\
Post a Comment