23.3.06
zero
monday night, i had a dream. i was hitch-hiking down an empty dark road, and literally there was nothing except the road and the occasional car. i got onto the back of a truck going towards a place that was unknown to me. i stopped along the way, at a small, badly lit bus stop and bumped into him. we chatted briefly, and i hitched the next car ride away into the same darkness, heading towards the direction just before i stopped.
a couple of days ago i had to clear out a box that i hadn't touched the contents of in a few years. of photos. i saw a whole photo album's worth of pictures, happy snaps with him. i had spent far too many years and far too much energy on hating him. and advocating to everyone i knew that i did so. i hated him because it hurt. i hated him because he wouldn't change but i did. i hated him because i couldn't save him.
tonight i went into a pet shop, looking and chatting about random mindless things, and there he was, with a girl, together, doing what couples do. it's been at least three years since i last saw him. we met briefly in the middle of the shop and i noticed he had changed. he looked a bit like he had been to hell. he seemed tired. his cheeks were hollow. he seems to have shrunken. i remember him being taller, and not as skinny.
he didn't tell me but for some reason i just said "it's been years! ...you must have moved alot over the past few years". he had. 5 times. and when i asked why, he sighed "shit happens. don't ask". i remember he used to say "shit happens" alot. he would say it as a brush off, like he was somehow trying to immune himself from it.
then nasty words came. "what have you done with your hair? grow it back, it looks better that way". last time he saw me, he told me to cut it short~ he also mentioned i was fat.
it felt odd. for a very long time i was with him i was not able to look him in the eye but i didn't need to look away anymore. i was at ease with myself. there was nothing i needed to prove to him. i felt nothing. nothing bottled up ready to punch the bejesus out of him for being a lying cheating god forsaken fuckwit. no urges to yell at him because he tried to use me to cheat on his then girlfriend the last time i saw him. no thoughts about stabbing him because he used to tell me i was skinny, pretty, needed bigger breasts, too skinny, looked old,too fat, didn't have better hair...
then ken came and saved me from further awkwardness. it certainly feels awkward to be reminded of spending too energy on one whom deserved nothing.
good luck, carmen. may all the magical forces help you through what will become a torturous journey...
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a couple of days ago i had to clear out a box that i hadn't touched the contents of in a few years. of photos. i saw a whole photo album's worth of pictures, happy snaps with him. i had spent far too many years and far too much energy on hating him. and advocating to everyone i knew that i did so. i hated him because it hurt. i hated him because he wouldn't change but i did. i hated him because i couldn't save him.
tonight i went into a pet shop, looking and chatting about random mindless things, and there he was, with a girl, together, doing what couples do. it's been at least three years since i last saw him. we met briefly in the middle of the shop and i noticed he had changed. he looked a bit like he had been to hell. he seemed tired. his cheeks were hollow. he seems to have shrunken. i remember him being taller, and not as skinny.
he didn't tell me but for some reason i just said "it's been years! ...you must have moved alot over the past few years". he had. 5 times. and when i asked why, he sighed "shit happens. don't ask". i remember he used to say "shit happens" alot. he would say it as a brush off, like he was somehow trying to immune himself from it.
then nasty words came. "what have you done with your hair? grow it back, it looks better that way". last time he saw me, he told me to cut it short~ he also mentioned i was fat.
it felt odd. for a very long time i was with him i was not able to look him in the eye but i didn't need to look away anymore. i was at ease with myself. there was nothing i needed to prove to him. i felt nothing. nothing bottled up ready to punch the bejesus out of him for being a lying cheating god forsaken fuckwit. no urges to yell at him because he tried to use me to cheat on his then girlfriend the last time i saw him. no thoughts about stabbing him because he used to tell me i was skinny, pretty, needed bigger breasts, too skinny, looked old,too fat, didn't have better hair...
then ken came and saved me from further awkwardness. it certainly feels awkward to be reminded of spending too energy on one whom deserved nothing.
good luck, carmen. may all the magical forces help you through what will become a torturous journey...
Post a Comment