31.3.06
HOW CAN YOU BE TOO LAZY TO FUCKING MMS ME BACK WHEN UR MMS'S ARE FREE?!?!?!?!??!
ENUFF SAID.
ENUFF SAID.
23.3.06
zero
monday night, i had a dream. i was hitch-hiking down an empty dark road, and literally there was nothing except the road and the occasional car. i got onto the back of a truck going towards a place that was unknown to me. i stopped along the way, at a small, badly lit bus stop and bumped into him. we chatted briefly, and i hitched the next car ride away into the same darkness, heading towards the direction just before i stopped.
a couple of days ago i had to clear out a box that i hadn't touched the contents of in a few years. of photos. i saw a whole photo album's worth of pictures, happy snaps with him. i had spent far too many years and far too much energy on hating him. and advocating to everyone i knew that i did so. i hated him because it hurt. i hated him because he wouldn't change but i did. i hated him because i couldn't save him.
tonight i went into a pet shop, looking and chatting about random mindless things, and there he was, with a girl, together, doing what couples do. it's been at least three years since i last saw him. we met briefly in the middle of the shop and i noticed he had changed. he looked a bit like he had been to hell. he seemed tired. his cheeks were hollow. he seems to have shrunken. i remember him being taller, and not as skinny.
he didn't tell me but for some reason i just said "it's been years! ...you must have moved alot over the past few years". he had. 5 times. and when i asked why, he sighed "shit happens. don't ask". i remember he used to say "shit happens" alot. he would say it as a brush off, like he was somehow trying to immune himself from it.
then nasty words came. "what have you done with your hair? grow it back, it looks better that way". last time he saw me, he told me to cut it short~ he also mentioned i was fat.
it felt odd. for a very long time i was with him i was not able to look him in the eye but i didn't need to look away anymore. i was at ease with myself. there was nothing i needed to prove to him. i felt nothing. nothing bottled up ready to punch the bejesus out of him for being a lying cheating god forsaken fuckwit. no urges to yell at him because he tried to use me to cheat on his then girlfriend the last time i saw him. no thoughts about stabbing him because he used to tell me i was skinny, pretty, needed bigger breasts, too skinny, looked old,too fat, didn't have better hair...
then ken came and saved me from further awkwardness. it certainly feels awkward to be reminded of spending too energy on one whom deserved nothing.
good luck, carmen. may all the magical forces help you through what will become a torturous journey...
a couple of days ago i had to clear out a box that i hadn't touched the contents of in a few years. of photos. i saw a whole photo album's worth of pictures, happy snaps with him. i had spent far too many years and far too much energy on hating him. and advocating to everyone i knew that i did so. i hated him because it hurt. i hated him because he wouldn't change but i did. i hated him because i couldn't save him.
tonight i went into a pet shop, looking and chatting about random mindless things, and there he was, with a girl, together, doing what couples do. it's been at least three years since i last saw him. we met briefly in the middle of the shop and i noticed he had changed. he looked a bit like he had been to hell. he seemed tired. his cheeks were hollow. he seems to have shrunken. i remember him being taller, and not as skinny.
he didn't tell me but for some reason i just said "it's been years! ...you must have moved alot over the past few years". he had. 5 times. and when i asked why, he sighed "shit happens. don't ask". i remember he used to say "shit happens" alot. he would say it as a brush off, like he was somehow trying to immune himself from it.
then nasty words came. "what have you done with your hair? grow it back, it looks better that way". last time he saw me, he told me to cut it short~ he also mentioned i was fat.
it felt odd. for a very long time i was with him i was not able to look him in the eye but i didn't need to look away anymore. i was at ease with myself. there was nothing i needed to prove to him. i felt nothing. nothing bottled up ready to punch the bejesus out of him for being a lying cheating god forsaken fuckwit. no urges to yell at him because he tried to use me to cheat on his then girlfriend the last time i saw him. no thoughts about stabbing him because he used to tell me i was skinny, pretty, needed bigger breasts, too skinny, looked old,too fat, didn't have better hair...
then ken came and saved me from further awkwardness. it certainly feels awkward to be reminded of spending too energy on one whom deserved nothing.
good luck, carmen. may all the magical forces help you through what will become a torturous journey...
20.3.06
the weeding, and that XPT train....
no, i didn't go to a weeding. it was a cousin's wedding in melbourne. again, had a big cousin reunion. i love reunions with people i care for. unfortunately my fone is playing up and i can't upload some happy snaps till later. a 3 day celebratory affair...
i trained it down on thurs night to arrive on friday morning...didn't sleep. it arrived an hour late. it was bloody freezing. i was in 3/4 shorts with heels. antarctic wind was not pleasant. but as soon as i went into the cafe on collins, the smell of french toast seduced me. i was hooked...my stomache (thankgod) could only handle one.
walking on chapel street in too-small red, wizard of oz heels was not too pleasant either. obviously melbournites aren't afraid of this changing weather and thought i looked silly sporting my grey woolly jacket.
waited some more at fed square. my sister said "15 minutes" till they get there...i waited at least an hour and more, before being called to run to the curbside and duck into one of the two similarly coloured cars rented out by my relos, amongst hectic commonwealth games traffic and trams of the weekend hype. at one point i felt my life flash by behind the lenses of my eyes...
dockside is pretty, buildings are pretty, architectural structures amusing but useless (what's new about oz?)
lygon street, restaurant owners and maitre d'z soliciting customers off the street, with promises of free bottles of wine...free garlic bread, free salad...it reminded me a little of pattaya, in different ways...gazz picked up on the culture...and bargained with a restaurant we chose before we were at lygon, pretending to be mildly interested...
waiter: look at our menu, we have great italian food (we knew that already :D)
gazz: oh really? (pretends to look at menu even though he was taking us there anyway, while we stand there looking silly)
waiter: we give you a bottle of wine free. (waves hand to get us to walk in)
gazz: but i have 10 people...
waiter: (looks at boss, who nods) okay, 2 bottles..
gazz: what about garlic bread?
so, 2 bottles of red (between 5 people, since 5 of us didn't drink - lol) and free garlic bread later, we got whisked into the restaurant...food is...good. but i think i wasn't in a pasta mood.
the wedding next day...hard to describe. it was the first one i been to and it was simple, elegant and beautiful. the groom is a professional level ballroom dancer. bride sported a white gown at first, then changed into a baby pink cheong sam. we ate while they gave speeches, with dancing between courses to live jazz/covers band. we danced like we were drunk. and those who were, danced the way they do...almost cried. and i dont actually know that cousin that well...it is quite an emotional sort of gathering. i never knew.
next day we were posing in our typical silly cousins gathering poses on the new couple's house, on the patio. beautiful place near doncaster. took many...but not with my fone :( was too busy posing...
trained it back to syd. train became more and more late...and through the night the bloody baby behind won't shut up, and the parents didn't bother getting out of their seats to stop the damn thing crying. carriage full of people did NOT sleep for 12 hours. it was torture. overnight rides can be baaaad. i can't say i am a patient girl, but i'm not usually this bad...
don't let ur damned toddler make loud noises and start the baby up again...the toddler was trying to steal my jellybellies, tried to act cute in front of me and i'm like u spoilt little brat. the baby cries coz its sick, u cry coz ur mean to ur little sis and lack consideration. i thought, when my older sisters were that age, and i was sick and crying, i believe they took turns to quietly coax me, not tease the crap out of me like that kid did to his little sister. i was NOT impressed. to distract this bratty boy, the father goes "ooh look, there's a birdy in the pond out there! wouldn't it be so fun if we ran over it? yeah, that'd be fun huh?" my jaw dropped. i sometimes do blame the parents.
by 7:30 i lost it. i believe to that noisy baby's couple behind me, it sounded something like:
"fucking it was so fucking bad..fucking sleep. it was fucking worse before , i still have to fucking work i have to fucking get ready - this is bullshit."
and to this, the couple FINALLY thought it was best that they took the baby to the soundproof area between the carriages. i began to wonder why i didn't turn into a sleep deprived Queen Biatch earlier so everyone including all the other kids and babies in the carriage could have some sleep.
hostess of countrylink: "thankyou for travelling with Countrylink. I would like to apologise for the hour delay due to...(pause)...technical difficulties...(pause)...and signalling...(shorter pause)...and having to wait for southbound trains to cross the tracks. I hope you have enjoyed your stay and we hope...blablabla"
oh, they are sorry they did not factor in train traffic signalling and crossing of tracks in our travel time. that's like saying "it takes 5 min to get from chats to nth ryde, plus the unexpected delay of general traffic flow, stopping at red lights, and parking"
girl in the carriage: "we would like to say we are sorry that some passengers may have missed the 7:15 countrylink xpt service to casino?" MAY have? i think i just might have, it's 7:45! you think i should run for it? i might make it since this one seems to go pretty slow!
sleep deprived man in the carriage answering his daughter's remark of "but they said we are approaching sydney!"(we were between macdonaldtown and redfern):
"we were almost in sydney 12 hours ago when we were in melbourne. it was 15min delay boarding at melbourne, then 20min due to signalling, 45 min delay due to stopping for people to get on...and now we will be ready for arrival at central at 2:30pm"
another funny, sleep-deprived man in the carriage, in the best mockery of the hostess: "we thank you for travelling with countrylink. we are sorry that you have missed almost the whole month of march."
"we are onset in the next episode of Lost"
"thankyou for appearing in survivor XPT"
europe better not be like this...
i trained it down on thurs night to arrive on friday morning...didn't sleep. it arrived an hour late. it was bloody freezing. i was in 3/4 shorts with heels. antarctic wind was not pleasant. but as soon as i went into the cafe on collins, the smell of french toast seduced me. i was hooked...my stomache (thankgod) could only handle one.
walking on chapel street in too-small red, wizard of oz heels was not too pleasant either. obviously melbournites aren't afraid of this changing weather and thought i looked silly sporting my grey woolly jacket.
waited some more at fed square. my sister said "15 minutes" till they get there...i waited at least an hour and more, before being called to run to the curbside and duck into one of the two similarly coloured cars rented out by my relos, amongst hectic commonwealth games traffic and trams of the weekend hype. at one point i felt my life flash by behind the lenses of my eyes...
dockside is pretty, buildings are pretty, architectural structures amusing but useless (what's new about oz?)
lygon street, restaurant owners and maitre d'z soliciting customers off the street, with promises of free bottles of wine...free garlic bread, free salad...it reminded me a little of pattaya, in different ways...gazz picked up on the culture...and bargained with a restaurant we chose before we were at lygon, pretending to be mildly interested...
waiter: look at our menu, we have great italian food (we knew that already :D)
gazz: oh really? (pretends to look at menu even though he was taking us there anyway, while we stand there looking silly)
waiter: we give you a bottle of wine free. (waves hand to get us to walk in)
gazz: but i have 10 people...
waiter: (looks at boss, who nods) okay, 2 bottles..
gazz: what about garlic bread?
so, 2 bottles of red (between 5 people, since 5 of us didn't drink - lol) and free garlic bread later, we got whisked into the restaurant...food is...good. but i think i wasn't in a pasta mood.
the wedding next day...hard to describe. it was the first one i been to and it was simple, elegant and beautiful. the groom is a professional level ballroom dancer. bride sported a white gown at first, then changed into a baby pink cheong sam. we ate while they gave speeches, with dancing between courses to live jazz/covers band. we danced like we were drunk. and those who were, danced the way they do...almost cried. and i dont actually know that cousin that well...it is quite an emotional sort of gathering. i never knew.
next day we were posing in our typical silly cousins gathering poses on the new couple's house, on the patio. beautiful place near doncaster. took many...but not with my fone :( was too busy posing...
trained it back to syd. train became more and more late...and through the night the bloody baby behind won't shut up, and the parents didn't bother getting out of their seats to stop the damn thing crying. carriage full of people did NOT sleep for 12 hours. it was torture. overnight rides can be baaaad. i can't say i am a patient girl, but i'm not usually this bad...
don't let ur damned toddler make loud noises and start the baby up again...the toddler was trying to steal my jellybellies, tried to act cute in front of me and i'm like u spoilt little brat. the baby cries coz its sick, u cry coz ur mean to ur little sis and lack consideration. i thought, when my older sisters were that age, and i was sick and crying, i believe they took turns to quietly coax me, not tease the crap out of me like that kid did to his little sister. i was NOT impressed. to distract this bratty boy, the father goes "ooh look, there's a birdy in the pond out there! wouldn't it be so fun if we ran over it? yeah, that'd be fun huh?" my jaw dropped. i sometimes do blame the parents.
by 7:30 i lost it. i believe to that noisy baby's couple behind me, it sounded something like:
"fucking
and to this, the couple FINALLY thought it was best that they took the baby to the soundproof area between the carriages. i began to wonder why i didn't turn into a sleep deprived Queen Biatch earlier so everyone including all the other kids and babies in the carriage could have some sleep.
hostess of countrylink: "thankyou for travelling with Countrylink. I would like to apologise for the hour delay due to...(pause)...technical difficulties...(pause)...and signalling...(shorter pause)...and having to wait for southbound trains to cross the tracks. I hope you have enjoyed your stay and we hope...blablabla"
oh, they are sorry they did not factor in train traffic signalling and crossing of tracks in our travel time. that's like saying "it takes 5 min to get from chats to nth ryde, plus the unexpected delay of general traffic flow, stopping at red lights, and parking"
girl in the carriage: "we would like to say we are sorry that some passengers may have missed the 7:15 countrylink xpt service to casino?" MAY have? i think i just might have, it's 7:45! you think i should run for it? i might make it since this one seems to go pretty slow!
sleep deprived man in the carriage answering his daughter's remark of "but they said we are approaching sydney!"(we were between macdonaldtown and redfern):
"we were almost in sydney 12 hours ago when we were in melbourne. it was 15min delay boarding at melbourne, then 20min due to signalling, 45 min delay due to stopping for people to get on...and now we will be ready for arrival at central at 2:30pm"
another funny, sleep-deprived man in the carriage, in the best mockery of the hostess: "we thank you for travelling with countrylink. we are sorry that you have missed almost the whole month of march."
"we are onset in the next episode of Lost"
"thankyou for appearing in survivor XPT"
europe better not be like this...
12.3.06
buying things that i don't need...
i like shopping.
it's such bliss to be walking around with a purpose..to buy a shawl, to buy a bag for my dress to go with the wedding...and end up...with...EXQUISITE things that i didn't really need. but OHHHH i did.
witchery is good when it's not overpriced. well, it still is but i can accept. i can understand. 80 bucks for a nice fitted jacked isn't alot to pay here in oz. it is sad. but i love it nonetheless.
and love having my sisters to shop with...since the comfy jeans are 2 for $40 and i only needed one pair...
and a bag! a bag that i don't need. maybe that's why i love it all the better! i've been lookin' for a yellow bag for a while now and it's lovely...finally it's mine.
that's what is so good about birkenhead point. well, it's not that great a place but u can find some bargains. after one day and a shopping session with sisters, i am only a further 200 bucks in debt. there are other purchases, but alas...you're not seeing them! ;)
went home and ended up ironing alot of my shirts and throwing out alot of tops that were out of shape with wear and tear (and bad quality clothing, courtesy of sydney shopping). i wish i could buy beautiful pieces for more expensive price rather than some clothing that lasts 10 washes, stains, crinkles to bits, and stretches ridiculously quickly.
sleepy....
it's such bliss to be walking around with a purpose..to buy a shawl, to buy a bag for my dress to go with the wedding...and end up...with...EXQUISITE things that i didn't really need. but OHHHH i did.
witchery is good when it's not overpriced. well, it still is but i can accept. i can understand. 80 bucks for a nice fitted jacked isn't alot to pay here in oz. it is sad. but i love it nonetheless.
and love having my sisters to shop with...since the comfy jeans are 2 for $40 and i only needed one pair...
and a bag! a bag that i don't need. maybe that's why i love it all the better! i've been lookin' for a yellow bag for a while now and it's lovely...finally it's mine.
that's what is so good about birkenhead point. well, it's not that great a place but u can find some bargains. after one day and a shopping session with sisters, i am only a further 200 bucks in debt. there are other purchases, but alas...you're not seeing them! ;)
went home and ended up ironing alot of my shirts and throwing out alot of tops that were out of shape with wear and tear (and bad quality clothing, courtesy of sydney shopping). i wish i could buy beautiful pieces for more expensive price rather than some clothing that lasts 10 washes, stains, crinkles to bits, and stretches ridiculously quickly.
sleepy....
5.3.06
i'm back in the world!apparently the lost princess (the play i was playin' princess in @ S+S) didn't do too bad. it was some people's favourite, and frankly, i'm surprised that there were more than around 6 votes, considering the piece wasn't one that people went and "LOOOVED" straight away.
I'm so glad i got a chance to be part of a great team of performers who all got together to devise something. something that is bigger than the general self-indulgent happy plays. dont get me wrong, i love self-indulgence and performing in comedies, and i appreciate the ones that i saw, but sometimes it does feel special to be doing something that makes a direct statement. something that means something in society (even though not everyone got the real issue past the fairytale component or scratched much further below the surface).
this process made me appreciate the real joy of storytelling. alot of people liked washing the "oh, you are the princess, that was beautiful, it must be a dream to be able to dress that way etc." line, and i hated it. i know if i did well or crap, and being dressed up that and being lightly chatted to about the dress is like...a bit irrelevant. and frankly, i rather be the performers who get to do mask work. i LOVE masks as you may know already, and i would rather be a mask character than the "lead actress - the princess" who in so many words had to psuedo-mime the damn performance. i think i do not like being "the lead" in any way shape or form.
oh, i hugged another judge on today's show. i hope they don't think i'm a tool or trying to suck up...i didn't even know until someone came up to me and told me later on...TWICE in one run, i choose the JUDGE. heh...
a stranger came over and said she was very pleased to see an asian in the theatre...and was congratulated a few times by strangers. that's sweet.
apparently we had a "loose" invite to perform for primary school productions at riverside...and maybe, just maybe, get ourselves down for a short run in melb...i dont think they will 'happen', but it was good just to get invites. it feels nice that some people did find it topical.
i should sleep. it's getting late. i leave yo
u with some
happy snaps of o
ur troupe through the process...
