14.10.05
why is my mind playing games with me?
i so wish that whenever my head touches the pillow that i do not begin dreaming about things i don't want to believe, and are not true.
who says i don't think too much?
i suppose i have to let go of some latent images inside my head that find their way to my eyes as i sleep at night. because this really is affecting me. i can't stop dreaming about stuff and i thought same time last year was the best, i slept wonderfully without uninvited images, and wake up each morning feeling happy, refreshed, energetic and in love. at that point, i became slightly afraid that i had lost my sense of imagination and intuition, but now that it's back i wish it was gone. i don't want "what if"s in my head.
say it isn't so
say it isn't so.
but, it isn't! it's just my mind being awful! never quite allowing me to fully enjoy what life is offering me right this moment. it's driving me insane. i don't know if this is considered pre-production stress-out time...but i yearn for those nights where i do not dream, and better still, not dream about ridiculous things.
i feel a disconnection from my friends lately, even as i talk to them and see them on occasion, i find i am losing something inspite of not really having lost anything. friends will always be friends, and contact is good. and to a certain degree it is there. why am i being so negative, again? after fighting this bullshit for so many years, i thought i had found a certain common ground, and now the ground isn't even there for more than a week at a time before turning into slush that i slowly sink under. this probably means i hadn't found that common ground and that i will need to do soon in order to stop driving people away.
things happening....my show starts in 2 weeks, and alot of my closer friends have not so much as breathe a sigh about it. in a way i feel unsupported, but i can't expect them to support me in a show if they don't like theatre. there is a certain dissatisfaction there that i will have to grow into accepting.
relationship: going good, i think i'm feeling all weird because of stupid hay fever and being kept up all night by a buzz of electrical cords at kenny's house making me have nightmares that needn't have if i was sleeping in my own bed. slightly let down last night. don't ask why.
i have deep sleep. and good sleep. i think it's expectations not meeting with reality, and it's not because something falls short of the scale, but more so that things are just so fine and fuzzy it doesn't quite feel right (yes, typical girls, you say)...should shut my gob and start enjoying myself
guilt: having bought a 10class pass to bikram yoga, i had only gone to about 4...and skipped it weeks on end now because of rehearsals, tiredness, laziness...this guilt is eating into my everyday life coz i'm much more lethargic...too bad yoga triggers my hayfever AND my god damn hormone levels i'm a bit scared of doing it right now :P (excuses excuses!)
must find a new job, a mantra i have kept saying for the past few months but never quite actioned.
auditioning for a travelling acting gig for half a year? major questions there (stupid what if's again) and i feel a bit dissed whenever i bring it up. "what is there to think about when it's not a situation right in front of us" - valid point, and exactly what my dad would say had he still been around.
thought alot about dad lately...thankyou very much, HOUSE! the black dude's rendition of a dying suffering man was quite...precise. thanks a fucking lot! did not want to see that!
dad's words occasionally come out of people's mouths and i just know i gotta go follow them. even if it means admitting fault to someone who i don't like to be wrong in front of.
travelling back to hk...and "one other destination"...it sounds like it's a jap. stopover, which i'm nto THAT excited about...i guess it's jsut one of those overpitched destinations and i'm a bit more into going to philo instead. or china.
heard about my baby cuz..he's 10 i think, this year...i wonder why i don't have stronger bonds with my cousins, and realise it's because i'm out too much doing my own damn thing without them. want to organise a nice dinner with them before show starts...
mmm...dinner...made an eggplant parmagiano the other day. damn i am a fucking good chef~!
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i so wish that whenever my head touches the pillow that i do not begin dreaming about things i don't want to believe, and are not true.
who says i don't think too much?
i suppose i have to let go of some latent images inside my head that find their way to my eyes as i sleep at night. because this really is affecting me. i can't stop dreaming about stuff and i thought same time last year was the best, i slept wonderfully without uninvited images, and wake up each morning feeling happy, refreshed, energetic and in love. at that point, i became slightly afraid that i had lost my sense of imagination and intuition, but now that it's back i wish it was gone. i don't want "what if"s in my head.
say it isn't so
say it isn't so.
but, it isn't! it's just my mind being awful! never quite allowing me to fully enjoy what life is offering me right this moment. it's driving me insane. i don't know if this is considered pre-production stress-out time...but i yearn for those nights where i do not dream, and better still, not dream about ridiculous things.
i feel a disconnection from my friends lately, even as i talk to them and see them on occasion, i find i am losing something inspite of not really having lost anything. friends will always be friends, and contact is good. and to a certain degree it is there. why am i being so negative, again? after fighting this bullshit for so many years, i thought i had found a certain common ground, and now the ground isn't even there for more than a week at a time before turning into slush that i slowly sink under. this probably means i hadn't found that common ground and that i will need to do soon in order to stop driving people away.
things happening....my show starts in 2 weeks, and alot of my closer friends have not so much as breathe a sigh about it. in a way i feel unsupported, but i can't expect them to support me in a show if they don't like theatre. there is a certain dissatisfaction there that i will have to grow into accepting.
relationship: going good, i think i'm feeling all weird because of stupid hay fever and being kept up all night by a buzz of electrical cords at kenny's house making me have nightmares that needn't have if i was sleeping in my own bed. slightly let down last night. don't ask why.
i have deep sleep. and good sleep. i think it's expectations not meeting with reality, and it's not because something falls short of the scale, but more so that things are just so fine and fuzzy it doesn't quite feel right (yes, typical girls, you say)...should shut my gob and start enjoying myself
guilt: having bought a 10class pass to bikram yoga, i had only gone to about 4...and skipped it weeks on end now because of rehearsals, tiredness, laziness...this guilt is eating into my everyday life coz i'm much more lethargic...too bad yoga triggers my hayfever AND my god damn hormone levels i'm a bit scared of doing it right now :P (excuses excuses!)
must find a new job, a mantra i have kept saying for the past few months but never quite actioned.
auditioning for a travelling acting gig for half a year? major questions there (stupid what if's again) and i feel a bit dissed whenever i bring it up. "what is there to think about when it's not a situation right in front of us" - valid point, and exactly what my dad would say had he still been around.
thought alot about dad lately...thankyou very much, HOUSE! the black dude's rendition of a dying suffering man was quite...precise. thanks a fucking lot! did not want to see that!
dad's words occasionally come out of people's mouths and i just know i gotta go follow them. even if it means admitting fault to someone who i don't like to be wrong in front of.
travelling back to hk...and "one other destination"...it sounds like it's a jap. stopover, which i'm nto THAT excited about...i guess it's jsut one of those overpitched destinations and i'm a bit more into going to philo instead. or china.
heard about my baby cuz..he's 10 i think, this year...i wonder why i don't have stronger bonds with my cousins, and realise it's because i'm out too much doing my own damn thing without them. want to organise a nice dinner with them before show starts...
mmm...dinner...made an eggplant parmagiano the other day. damn i am a fucking good chef~!
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