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6.9.05

things that do or don't make sense.

degrees for motherhood.
wtf??? were they on mind altering medication when they thought that up? it'd be so damn funny if everyone did a motherhood/fatherhood sorta course, and we all end up raising kids that essentially think alike... (oh wait a minute: AMERICANS!) ho ho ho.

has anyone gone through the cross city tunnel? how much did you have to pay to get from a to b? did things fall down inside the tunnel?

exploring the perimeters of astrophysics..not actually talking about it, but talking about the dream to have pursued it, i mean, it was my high school big passion...and as i walked along the edges, looking over the edge to chaotic, whizzing flurry of quantum physics, i asked myself why i didn't choose it? a friend told me i should do it because i would perhaps otherwise regret. but i know right now (no guarantees for future) that i wouldn't regret. because i couldn't seem to imagine life without acting around me. and pursuing knowledge in this kind of discipline requires...well, alot of passion, and ...discipline. and whilst i have a love for it, i know my discipline won't last the distance.

it was a sad moment of truth for me. i have accepted that i do not have the sort of discipline required to suceed as a scientist, so in a simple economic approach, i have minimised loss, to pursue a life easier. alot of people say life as an artist is difficult. i think a life where you are given the liberty to expand your mind in any way beyond what others have already done is, a hard life. guess that weeds out the ones who will and those who never will.

is art beauty impracticality?

is art selfish?

or am i doing it for selfish reasons...

i don't think so...perhaps i have more of the perseverance for it because i like it more? or because i find it easier - and if i find it easier, is it because i simply like it more than anything else? or is it because i haven't really gone RIGHT IN and LIVED it? i'm still one foot on dry land and the other foot dipped in that cool, cool water, not really knowing when, or if i could ever immerse myself in. and dry land is safe. why am i so damn SAFE?

yes, i've been thinking long and hard, subconsciously, at work whilst another busy day buzzes by and i have to be 2 co-ordinators at once, and it's demanding, and i appreciate it more. but dry land it is. and i'm wondering if i will leave it to some of life's great catastrophic catalysts to begin the chain reaction that will push me into the water, where i will realise, like the water in the river cave, it is much, much deeper than it first appears.



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